i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
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The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
*Seductively hides in the woods
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??