still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
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Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Ovenable?
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM