I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
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[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
bought wrong eggs
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!