I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.