I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
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When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Stop making fast and furious movies.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.