Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
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The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.