Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
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Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean