My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
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WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.