My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
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every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect