kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
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No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*