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Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.