If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
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Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I just ran a .003048K
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango