In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
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#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Awesome parenting 😂
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount