My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
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My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.