If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
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Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Seek kebab; not attention
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
good for her
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
#JohnTravolta
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.