Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
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[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Noted.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
my retirement plan is braless
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica