archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
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Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
My blood type is coffee.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”