[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
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If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.