Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
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My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
In case you needed to hear it:
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.