Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
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“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?