[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
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Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Cow it started Cow it’s going
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.