It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
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coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.