Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
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Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there