ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
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Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
💻🤡
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.