When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
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[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I falcon love using swear birds
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.