Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
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Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Oh yeah that’s it
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
This took me a second..
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.