First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
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Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.