“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
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What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken