I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
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Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Always
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
do u think theres a butter planet?
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.