If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
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Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Only 10 more days til Halloween!