mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
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once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.