Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
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me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
kevin is now a local weatherman
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’