I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
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You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
a lot to unpack here
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
the three branches of government
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?