Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
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I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.