Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
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FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I know karate and tons of other words.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent