I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
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I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
me doing my best
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco