Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
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“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.