Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
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What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.