Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
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One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..