You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
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[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.