Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
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I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.