Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
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Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.