Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
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Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
🙂🐾
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Liquor Store Parking
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
How software testing works
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life