I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
You Might Also Like
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
there’s probably a fee though
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening