What if the weather talks about us?
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“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
That’s enough internet for the day
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it