McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
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I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time