Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
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My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.