My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
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Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio