[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
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I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Omg 🤣
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Me too door. Me too.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
*watches the world burn*
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies