So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
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At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.